Manager Louis van Gaal said: “Anyone expecting to see exciting, end-to-end football the way United used to do it is only going to be disappointed, and why should we have to put up with their miserable faces?
“No spectators will be allowed through the gates, apart from anyone with a cheap season ticket at the back of the top tiers who can’t see anything anyway.
“Fans are, however, still required to spend a minimum of £120 per game in the club shop.”
“During live broadcasts assistant coach Albert Stuivenberg will portray the on-pitch action with the same glove puppets that he uses to explain positional play to Tom Cleverley.”
Van Gaal continued: “I expect results to improve immediately.
“For example, if Burnley claim they earned a 2-2 draw and we say we beat them 4-1, then who are you going to believe?
“Them, or our expensive lawyers?”
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